worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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