I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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