Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize