Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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