Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
