broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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