Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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