She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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