I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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