Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
