She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
