forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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