This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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