I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
