My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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