can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
