Don't make out with my wife yet
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
