I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
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