i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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