Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
