Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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