He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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