My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
