I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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