When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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