I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize