Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
