Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
