did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
