how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize