i wish starbucks made bloody marys
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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