FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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