Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Randomize
