East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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