why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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