The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My life is pants optional.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize