God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
