just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
