nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
