my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
