I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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