I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
