Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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