checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
