Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
