Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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