my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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