Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
