oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
