opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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