Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
