Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
