She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
