I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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