walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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