If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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