Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
