I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
