On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
