Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
