My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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