Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
