sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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