come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
